I remember the day I deleted your name from my phone, it was hard and I tried so hard not to cry, but I kept on accidently calling you too many times after you died. Cause I missed you, and in some unbelieving corner of my mind, I thought that you might be home.

It has almost been a year without you here.
I don’t know the real reason why you took your life, I know you dealt with a lot in your 19 years on this earth, I just wish I could have helped, like you helped me.

Told me everything will be okay, your meant to be here on this earth, told me I wasn’t worthless. Convince me to stay, here. Life has gotten better after you convinced me to stay, but why didn’t you listen to yourself?

December 14 2010, he took his life, told himself nothing will be okay, convinced that he was a mistake. So sure that he wasn’t enough. He grabbed that rope and ran to the bathroom..that rope tightely around his neck.

Now we’re all in tears, dressed in black. Celebrating a life of a wonderful man. Can we go back one picture on that slideshow? I want to see that smile again and replay that memory in my head.

There are so many things I wish I would have said, It just doesn’t seem right to write it all down, you wont find it and I know that. I want to go on that coffee date we had planned, talk about life and share our thoughts about the most randomest things. Sing ”Mess of Me” by switchfoot and laugh, I want to hear that laugh and see you smiling again, like that one day at yc. We met at the stairs after talking on the phone for 20 minutes trying to find eachother, we joked about previous conversations we had over text messaging, talked about the bands and performances.

Lifes a little crazy you know?
You can’t just leave after you feel like you lost all control.
Stay here, and we will work through it all, I want to be the one you come to when you feel like you have nobody else, I’ll tell you about God and how he made you so unique, how your meant to be on this earth, you were created by him and he has plans for you, he had a plan for you..

Bethel-House of God.

This house you built for me

A place where I can see the beauty all around me, when I don't feel beautiful.

And God I know you love me, I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am created in your image, though it may not seem that way.

Your truth tells me everyday how beautiful I am and even though I have a hard time believing it, you keep telling me, your proving it.

So instead of tearing myself down, the next time I see a mirror I will look into it and see a beautiful reflection. Now, I don't want to sound full of myself, egos are too much for me to handle. But no, I mean I mean this in the most humble way possible. I mean your beauty surrounds me God, it's everywhere!!

Your beauty is the eyes, so crystal clear.

My prayer, Answered..

So a couple weeks ago I found out my brothers got evicted from their place, this worried me.
Both are alcoholics. My oldest brother, Dustin (23) is getting worse..
I got so scared, so I prayed and asked a couple friends to also pray.
So convinced that I was going to lose him soon.
Last night I was at the beach until Church started at 7pm.
I got to church and right away we started with Worship, I went up to the front where I usually always go. As I was standing there worshipping, I felt arms wrap around me. I knew this was a guy so of course I was a little weirded out and trying to think or who it was.
I looked down to see if I could recognize the arm, It had a tattoo on it and I knew right away, It was Dustin!
Tears came down as he hugged me and told me how much he missed me, at this point I could not stop crying and I was shaking, he kept hugging me and laughing and smiling, I don't know how to explain the excitement that I was going through. I love him so much and to know that he wanted to go to church, My prayer was answered!!

Unfortunately, right after service was done Dustin explained to me that he felt weird and light-headed so he was going home..later on that night I found out he had fainted and threw up a bunch and was now in the hospital, I wanted to go visit him today and I would have if I had a license. I was so worried, today my parents told me his girlfriend called to explain that what had happened was a seizure, Dustin a few days ago let us know that hes been trying to stop drinking because he has a baby on the way (yes, I'm going to be an auntie!). Turns out that seizures are quite common for people trying to quit.

I guess where I'm going with this is, will you guys please pray?
that would mean so much to me!! :)
Thanks!

-Seranda

I Can't Wait

It's hard to be positive when everything around me is so negative.
It's so difficult to pass a test when all I learned was how to fail.
I can't find a friend, cause I don't know how to be a good one.
No guy will like me, I'm not girlfriend material.
I will never be able to reach out to you, you've made you're choice on which path to take in your life.
I will never be smart enough to get into college, I'm barely making it through high school.
I am a loser, because I've never won.
People don't want to listen to me, my stories suck..they just don't care.
Give up, he will never want to be with a girl like you.
I will never be able to focus, the doctor said I got A.D.D.

I am ready to be done school, this place is so depressing..
All day thoughts go through my mind about what it would be like if I were to move to Hawaii..the one place I would love to go, it's beautiful, the beach, the sun shining down on me..running with the sand beneath my feet, so free..the scenery is so clear to me. The palm trees are exactly where they're supposed to be.
Through this, I find peace..not a bad thought can creep in, if I am laying on that sandy beach with the sun shining down on me..there is no such thing as negativity.
I Can't Wait.

I never told you, But tonight i cried..

It's been a while since I actually cried.
Tonight I talked to someone really important to me,
Somehow we started talking about the past..
I got so upset I cried, a lot.
I am so sick of feeling bad, give me a reason to leave.
How do you make feelings end? cause I can't seem to control them.
and I am so tired of chasing someone who will never ever feel the same about me.
So i am done.

I can't stand making posts like these, but I felt the need to vent and my journals too far away for me to get it.

I'll Leave This Letter For You..

I'm sorry mommy, I can't be the girl you want me to be.
I'm not the one you have dreamt of, or seen.
I'm not that girl on the tv screen!

You can keep working on me, but I'm not a machine..
this isn't how things work.
I'm me, and I'm sorry..but I can't be sorry.

I'm so sick of being somebody I'm not!
So love me for me, Not that stupid image in a silly little dream!
I want to run up and give you a hug on a bad day, for you to tell me everything will be okay.
Something stops me everytime, I can't tell you what happened.
Yah, I feel stupid mom! so what, I know I'm not. So stop treating me like I am.

I get the lowest marks in the class, a class of 3 kids!
No, I don't want to pursue a career in anthropology, tourism, psychology..I don't plan on working in a museum either..math teacher? no thanks! I'm sorry I don't even need this stuff..just give me the basics!

I dont't think you notice, I'm the only one of your kids that is going to graduate!
My big brothers are gone, they got lost in the drugs and grew up too fast, left home and dropped out of school..At sixteen! I'm seventeen and going somewhere, I'm taking this life and doing something with it. I'll leave this letter for you.

And when I go to California, I'll think of you. I know you'll think of me.
I'll miss you and I will always miss you.
I love you mom and I want you to understand..I'm not the girl you want me to be.
I'm going to bible college after school, at least thats the plan.
So when i get there, I hope you realize these things and are proud of me..
All I want is for you to be proud for once, just once..
And show it.
I want to know it..

Love You Mom,

-Seranda.

Since you left, A promise I keep.

You were on my heart, I didn't know why.
It's been a while since I talked to you last.

A friend and I shared thoughts we had about you.
How we missed those memories..
I wanted to talk to you,
the fact that I haven't said anything to you for a while stopped me from doing so.

I had to talk to you about something, I wanted to know how you were doing..
Theres so many things I want to say, so much stuff jumbled up in my mind.
I didn't talk to you that night..
But you were still on my heart all night, I thought there was no reason.

Funny how things change, chances pass by and don't come back.
He killed himself that night.
I should have talked to him, I should have prayed for him.

You're still on my heart, ever since that day..
he's gone now.

I promised myself I would tell people whats on my heart, even if it takes all my strength.