I know it is the start of May, but it makes me more excited to say next month I'll be done High School.

I don't know what is next, I'll move ..Work and do other crazy things that I couldn't wait to do after high school.
I hope to see friends I haven't seen in a while and, although I am totally broke right now I hope to go somewhere with friends, spending time with them.
God has a crazy plan for me, I know it and I can't wait to find out what it is...
AH.

I am a Dreamer.

I sit and dream of things I hope will one day happen.
I have all of these plans set but lack so much motivation to get anything done.
Never being able to make these dreams actually come true.
Maybe one day.

I remember the day I deleted your name from my phone, it was hard and I tried so hard not to cry, but I kept on accidently calling you too many times after you died. Cause I missed you, and in some unbelieving corner of my mind, I thought that you might be home.

It has almost been a year without you here.
I don’t know the real reason why you took your life, I know you dealt with a lot in your 19 years on this earth, I just wish I could have helped, like you helped me.

Told me everything will be okay, your meant to be here on this earth, told me I wasn’t worthless. Convince me to stay, here. Life has gotten better after you convinced me to stay, but why didn’t you listen to yourself?

December 14 2010, he took his life, told himself nothing will be okay, convinced that he was a mistake. So sure that he wasn’t enough. He grabbed that rope and ran to the bathroom..that rope tightely around his neck.

Now we’re all in tears, dressed in black. Celebrating a life of a wonderful man. Can we go back one picture on that slideshow? I want to see that smile again and replay that memory in my head.

There are so many things I wish I would have said, It just doesn’t seem right to write it all down, you wont find it and I know that. I want to go on that coffee date we had planned, talk about life and share our thoughts about the most randomest things. Sing ”Mess of Me” by switchfoot and laugh, I want to hear that laugh and see you smiling again, like that one day at yc. We met at the stairs after talking on the phone for 20 minutes trying to find eachother, we joked about previous conversations we had over text messaging, talked about the bands and performances.

Lifes a little crazy you know?
You can’t just leave after you feel like you lost all control.
Stay here, and we will work through it all, I want to be the one you come to when you feel like you have nobody else, I’ll tell you about God and how he made you so unique, how your meant to be on this earth, you were created by him and he has plans for you, he had a plan for you..

Bethel-House of God.

This house you built for me

A place where I can see the beauty all around me, when I don't feel beautiful.

And God I know you love me, I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am created in your image, though it may not seem that way.

Your truth tells me everyday how beautiful I am and even though I have a hard time believing it, you keep telling me, your proving it.

So instead of tearing myself down, the next time I see a mirror I will look into it and see a beautiful reflection. Now, I don't want to sound full of myself, egos are too much for me to handle. But no, I mean I mean this in the most humble way possible. I mean your beauty surrounds me God, it's everywhere!!

Your beauty is the eyes, so crystal clear.

My prayer, Answered..

So a couple weeks ago I found out my brothers got evicted from their place, this worried me.
Both are alcoholics. My oldest brother, Dustin (23) is getting worse..
I got so scared, so I prayed and asked a couple friends to also pray.
So convinced that I was going to lose him soon.
Last night I was at the beach until Church started at 7pm.
I got to church and right away we started with Worship, I went up to the front where I usually always go. As I was standing there worshipping, I felt arms wrap around me. I knew this was a guy so of course I was a little weirded out and trying to think or who it was.
I looked down to see if I could recognize the arm, It had a tattoo on it and I knew right away, It was Dustin!
Tears came down as he hugged me and told me how much he missed me, at this point I could not stop crying and I was shaking, he kept hugging me and laughing and smiling, I don't know how to explain the excitement that I was going through. I love him so much and to know that he wanted to go to church, My prayer was answered!!

Unfortunately, right after service was done Dustin explained to me that he felt weird and light-headed so he was going home..later on that night I found out he had fainted and threw up a bunch and was now in the hospital, I wanted to go visit him today and I would have if I had a license. I was so worried, today my parents told me his girlfriend called to explain that what had happened was a seizure, Dustin a few days ago let us know that hes been trying to stop drinking because he has a baby on the way (yes, I'm going to be an auntie!). Turns out that seizures are quite common for people trying to quit.

I guess where I'm going with this is, will you guys please pray?
that would mean so much to me!! :)
Thanks!

-Seranda

I Can't Wait

It's hard to be positive when everything around me is so negative.
It's so difficult to pass a test when all I learned was how to fail.
I can't find a friend, cause I don't know how to be a good one.
No guy will like me, I'm not girlfriend material.
I will never be able to reach out to you, you've made you're choice on which path to take in your life.
I will never be smart enough to get into college, I'm barely making it through high school.
I am a loser, because I've never won.
People don't want to listen to me, my stories suck..they just don't care.
Give up, he will never want to be with a girl like you.
I will never be able to focus, the doctor said I got A.D.D.

I am ready to be done school, this place is so depressing..
All day thoughts go through my mind about what it would be like if I were to move to Hawaii..the one place I would love to go, it's beautiful, the beach, the sun shining down on me..running with the sand beneath my feet, so free..the scenery is so clear to me. The palm trees are exactly where they're supposed to be.
Through this, I find peace..not a bad thought can creep in, if I am laying on that sandy beach with the sun shining down on me..there is no such thing as negativity.
I Can't Wait.

I never told you, But tonight i cried..

It's been a while since I actually cried.
Tonight I talked to someone really important to me,
Somehow we started talking about the past..
I got so upset I cried, a lot.
I am so sick of feeling bad, give me a reason to leave.
How do you make feelings end? cause I can't seem to control them.
and I am so tired of chasing someone who will never ever feel the same about me.
So i am done.

I can't stand making posts like these, but I felt the need to vent and my journals too far away for me to get it.

I'll Leave This Letter For You..

I'm sorry mommy, I can't be the girl you want me to be.
I'm not the one you have dreamt of, or seen.
I'm not that girl on the tv screen!

You can keep working on me, but I'm not a machine..
this isn't how things work.
I'm me, and I'm sorry..but I can't be sorry.

I'm so sick of being somebody I'm not!
So love me for me, Not that stupid image in a silly little dream!
I want to run up and give you a hug on a bad day, for you to tell me everything will be okay.
Something stops me everytime, I can't tell you what happened.
Yah, I feel stupid mom! so what, I know I'm not. So stop treating me like I am.

I get the lowest marks in the class, a class of 3 kids!
No, I don't want to pursue a career in anthropology, tourism, psychology..I don't plan on working in a museum either..math teacher? no thanks! I'm sorry I don't even need this stuff..just give me the basics!

I dont't think you notice, I'm the only one of your kids that is going to graduate!
My big brothers are gone, they got lost in the drugs and grew up too fast, left home and dropped out of school..At sixteen! I'm seventeen and going somewhere, I'm taking this life and doing something with it. I'll leave this letter for you.

And when I go to California, I'll think of you. I know you'll think of me.
I'll miss you and I will always miss you.
I love you mom and I want you to understand..I'm not the girl you want me to be.
I'm going to bible college after school, at least thats the plan.
So when i get there, I hope you realize these things and are proud of me..
All I want is for you to be proud for once, just once..
And show it.
I want to know it..

Love You Mom,

-Seranda.

Since you left, A promise I keep.

You were on my heart, I didn't know why.
It's been a while since I talked to you last.

A friend and I shared thoughts we had about you.
How we missed those memories..
I wanted to talk to you,
the fact that I haven't said anything to you for a while stopped me from doing so.

I had to talk to you about something, I wanted to know how you were doing..
Theres so many things I want to say, so much stuff jumbled up in my mind.
I didn't talk to you that night..
But you were still on my heart all night, I thought there was no reason.

Funny how things change, chances pass by and don't come back.
He killed himself that night.
I should have talked to him, I should have prayed for him.

You're still on my heart, ever since that day..
he's gone now.

I promised myself I would tell people whats on my heart, even if it takes all my strength.

Hey Aaron, Dustin...this ones for you.

Drink.
Smoke.
Drugs.
ADDICTION.
Life ruined.

Rehab.
RELAPSE.
No Job.
No License.
No money.

I understand, you need our help..
But did you really have to use your family?
Were struggling to save you.
Thoughts of you dying go through my head everyday..
That one of these days I'll wake up to find I don't have my brothers..
That I'm the only kid here, lonely and lost.. but I know my place.


I dreamt of you standing there, getting lost in the worship..
You were singing, my heart started pounding and i started crying.
You lifted up your hands and surrendered, singing with that bright smile on your face.
I looked at you and those tears of joy turned into an unstoppable laughter, once again I looked at you and you stared back with a welcoming smile on your face, you were free!!
..But this wasn't a dream, I was awake. It seemed so real!
At that moment I knew God was doing something crazy with you..
Dear Brother, I hope you understand. This is not the way you should be living, so take a walk and you will see, take that Step! God is better than drugs, believe me.

I saw so much more.

Last night, we walked.
Talked about the old times, the summers when we were best friends.
Although we didn't get into any deep conversation it was a start.
I miss you but I really love how far I've come since then.
I don't plan on going back.

So we walked, and as I stepped closer to the skatepark..
I saw my old life, who I used to be before I gave my life to Christ.
I would spend all my time there if I could.
They knew me and called me over..
As I stepped on that concrete to talk to a few old friends I saw who I used to be.
That girl, so desperate for attention.
the one who hung out with all the wrong people, the one who just wanted to fit in.
I remember that time,
The first time you got high.
How could I forget?
It brought me back to the first time we met.
But also reminded me how much I didn't want that life.

So I sat there, still so desperate to be seen.
I dated practically any guy who would ask me out..
Yah, I was that girl. The one who would go through 3 guys every month.
Unaware that all they wanted was, everything I wasn't.
Ending it after a week.
Kind of funny how they don't care about me anymore.

Many people think I'm weak,
just so you know..I'm not, I'm so far from weak.
You see, if I were weak..I would have started smoking and doing drugs, just like my old friends,
If I were weak, I wouldn't be living. If I were weak I would have givin into all that peer pressure. I wouldn't be where I'm at today. If I were weak, I would be the kid walking by that skatepark asking for a smoke.
I'd be the girl, waking up in the morning and not wanting to do it again..but still, love that numb feeling you get out of it.
If I were weak..
But I'm not, call me weak..And i'll give you reasons why I am strong.

I'm Christian now, living my life for Christ.
I gave that life up, I found where I fit in..
I don't want to go back.
Some people think it's impossible to be drunk in the spirit, well..I tell you, it's soo possible.
Weirdest/BEST feeling ever. you don't even get the hangover.

Just a thought going through my mind.
Thought it would make me feel better if I wrote it down.

She Wears A Mask.

And she walked around with that mask on her face, scared to take it off.
Scared they will rip her to shreds, It's not easy being different.
That judgement she felt..so harsh, she kept it.
Hiding in the back of her mind.
So the next time,
she could have a different face.
Pretending to be somebody she's not.
Just because, the judgements scared her..

I fear that if I take my mask off people wont like the real me..
No! take off that mask little girl, and show yourself to the world!
I made you who you are, be proud..Hold your head up while walking through that crowd.
Because from now on, I'm giving you the strength.
So take it or leave it, it's up to you.
But I promise you, life will be better if you put it to some use.

Home.

I can't stand it here, the middle of no where.
I'm looking for a way out, this place isn't what I thought.

When you walk and see the beauty, take a picture and remember it forever.

Remember that this is where you grew up.

This is home, I've been here for 17 years and staying for a while longer. Sure, I'm going to miss the lovely walks..all the scenery and peace.

Although it's peaceful I think I'm ready to leave.

I've had enough of it here, lack of friends and no where to get a job.

Driving a half hour or more to get to an actual town, it's difficult.

I've grown out of this hamlet, I'm ready to leave..

I drank too much soda pop as a kid and now I'm addicted to Caffeine.

I would love to say that I did something with my life, that I accomplished something..
But when I think of it..It's nothing, I look back to my awards and feel like I never accomplished anything.

All my dance awards, they were all team effort.
Sure..I have two track and field metals but they don't mean much, I beat a couple girls in some sports..woo.
The sadest part is..My 13 years of being in the same school and the only awards I've got was attendance, for 3 years.

I stopped going to award nights cause it's all just discouraging.

I've got 4 trophies..all for hunting, those were the things that made me feel like a could actually do something. The fact that I am a 17 year old girl, and am the girl that many people wouldn't expect to be interested in that kind of stuff, because im a small person, and am more of a city kinda girl. Anyway, this is why I feel proud.

I'm searching for something more than just this though, I guess you could say I'm one who wants to be heard..Not just with music, I don't plan on going anywhere with music but just to talk. For people to understand my life, is this selfish?
The goal from that is to get to people, I feel like in a way I can relate to people but to a certain extent..

I dont know if this made sense, my brain is kind of fried.

It's Spring Break..

I have no plans..
But everything seems to work out better when I don't.
Hopefully I'll have a good time, hoping you do too..wish I could spend it with you bud.

Have a safe break everyone,

Seranda :)

Random

I'm bothered by the fact that I can't be myself without somebody having a problem with it. Like everything I say is stupid and pointless, I'm not like them. Lately I have been having problems staying calm, it scares me so much that I am constantly wanting to beat up certain people, I feel violent and don't want to be. I don't blame this on them, I can't. it's just the way I am right now, hopefully this is only temporary. Just for once, I would love to be the girl who is kind to everyone, the girl that people know as friendly and understanding. The one that follows Christ and nobody else. I've realized that relationships aren't always easy, It's not easy liking someone either. When they live far away, you miss them..It's almost a painful thing. I am constantly trying to convince myself that I don't like you, but it's not working. This becomes worse, I miss you and haven't seen you in forever. I am mad at myself and want you here. When I'm upset, happy, angry or hyper..I want you here. This Sucks. All I can do is wait...

So I'm trying to convince my parents to move, not working.

At this moment I am wanting to rent an apartment with my friend during the summer and my grade 12 year in Calgary.

That is super far away but I need it I think, It would be good for me.

The only problem with this is my parents, They don't want me to.

So once again I'm stuck here..but im still going to try my hardest to convince them it's the best idea.

I can't wait for summer, for what it will bring. Friends from Korea are coming back to visit and I can honestly say that's something that excites me the most out of summer. Camp, Koreans, Canada Day, Fires, Camping, The beach, I am also going to challenge myself to do something new this summer, but I don't know what it is yet.

MAY:

6th...Youngstown grad

7th...Trav's wedding

9th....Calgary Zoo with my school

26th...University or Lethbridge.

JUNE:

3rd..Cessford Grad

29th..Done Grade 11.

I Love You.

These three words can never get old. Many people find it weird when I tell them i love them. Without realizing that I tell people this for a reason. I truely love all my friends and family a lot, I feel bad for not telling them that everyday. Everyone deserves to be loved, not only by God who created them, but by others around them. Many people each day commit suicide, it's the painful truth.. A lot of the reasons why is they don't feel loved, they're bullied, feel lonely, abused, somethings happened to make them feel depressed. We need to stop thinking about ourselves and start caring about others. So if I have never told you just how much I love/care for you, I am truely sorry. Just know that I love you a lot. I apologize for not treating you the way I should. Lets go for coffee.

I've Never Felt So Out Of Place.

I feel so lost, who I am right now. Nobody understands me and I'm sitting here, screaming and asking for someone to finally see me! Not who they THINK i am, Who i REALLY am. I've realized nobody around me does, they know some of me, but only a little.. but I don't even know who I am. I don't understand! I would really like to know. So im waiting here, please come find me. I need a friend, one who wont walk away... I know i'll find you one day.

I'm just...Me.

I've always been scared to be me, especially around a guy I like.
I feel like I have to be somebody im not just to impress him, I realize now all I was doing was lying..
I don't want to be somebody I'm not, whats the point of that?
He should love me for me and not judge.
My last relationship I felt quite judged, but I think that was just my fault. He was a great guy but I guess hes not the one.

A friend of mine, whos absolutely amazing, helped me realize that I tend to act differently around different people. Trying so hard to impress is lame. For now on im me, I'll aways be me and if people can't stand it then I guess they will just have to deal with it :)
I'm not changing when I hear somebody doesn't like me.

It's my problem, I have to solve it on my own.

I got to learn how to stop telling people about my problems..
I feel horrible, it just seems easier to talk to people about everything.
maybe its for the best.