Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I'll Leave This Letter For You..

I'm sorry mommy, I can't be the girl you want me to be.
I'm not the one you have dreamt of, or seen.
I'm not that girl on the tv screen!

You can keep working on me, but I'm not a machine..
this isn't how things work.
I'm me, and I'm sorry..but I can't be sorry.

I'm so sick of being somebody I'm not!
So love me for me, Not that stupid image in a silly little dream!
I want to run up and give you a hug on a bad day, for you to tell me everything will be okay.
Something stops me everytime, I can't tell you what happened.
Yah, I feel stupid mom! so what, I know I'm not. So stop treating me like I am.

I get the lowest marks in the class, a class of 3 kids!
No, I don't want to pursue a career in anthropology, tourism, psychology..I don't plan on working in a museum either..math teacher? no thanks! I'm sorry I don't even need this stuff..just give me the basics!

I dont't think you notice, I'm the only one of your kids that is going to graduate!
My big brothers are gone, they got lost in the drugs and grew up too fast, left home and dropped out of school..At sixteen! I'm seventeen and going somewhere, I'm taking this life and doing something with it. I'll leave this letter for you.

And when I go to California, I'll think of you. I know you'll think of me.
I'll miss you and I will always miss you.
I love you mom and I want you to understand..I'm not the girl you want me to be.
I'm going to bible college after school, at least thats the plan.
So when i get there, I hope you realize these things and are proud of me..
All I want is for you to be proud for once, just once..
And show it.
I want to know it..

Love You Mom,


Monday, May 16, 2011

Since you left, A promise I keep.

You were on my heart, I didn't know why.
It's been a while since I talked to you last.

A friend and I shared thoughts we had about you.
How we missed those memories..
I wanted to talk to you,
the fact that I haven't said anything to you for a while stopped me from doing so.

I had to talk to you about something, I wanted to know how you were doing..
Theres so many things I want to say, so much stuff jumbled up in my mind.
I didn't talk to you that night..
But you were still on my heart all night, I thought there was no reason.

Funny how things change, chances pass by and don't come back.
He killed himself that night.
I should have talked to him, I should have prayed for him.

You're still on my heart, ever since that day..
he's gone now.

I promised myself I would tell people whats on my heart, even if it takes all my strength.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hey Aaron, Dustin...this ones for you.

Life ruined.

No Job.
No License.
No money.

I understand, you need our help..
But did you really have to use your family?
Were struggling to save you.
Thoughts of you dying go through my head everyday..
That one of these days I'll wake up to find I don't have my brothers..
That I'm the only kid here, lonely and lost.. but I know my place.

I dreamt of you standing there, getting lost in the worship..
You were singing, my heart started pounding and i started crying.
You lifted up your hands and surrendered, singing with that bright smile on your face.
I looked at you and those tears of joy turned into an unstoppable laughter, once again I looked at you and you stared back with a welcoming smile on your face, you were free!!
..But this wasn't a dream, I was awake. It seemed so real!
At that moment I knew God was doing something crazy with you..
Dear Brother, I hope you understand. This is not the way you should be living, so take a walk and you will see, take that Step! God is better than drugs, believe me.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I saw so much more.

Last night, we walked.
Talked about the old times, the summers when we were best friends.

Although we didn't get into any deep conversation it was a start.
I miss you but I really love how far I've come since then.
I don't plan on going back.

So we walked, and as I stepped closer to the skatepark..
I saw my old life, who I used to be before I gave my life to Christ.
I would spend all my time there if I could.
They knew me and called me over..
As I stepped on that concrete to talk to a few old friends I saw who I used to be.
That girl, so desperate for attention.
the one who hung out with all the wrong people, the one who just wanted to fit in.
I remember that time,
The first time you got high.
How could I forget?
It brought me back to the first time we met.
But also reminded me how much I didn't want that life.

So I sat there, still so desperate to be seen.
I dated practically any guy who would ask me out..
Yah, I was that girl. The one who would go through 3 guys every month.
Unaware that all they wanted was, everything I wasn't.
Ending it after a week.
Kind of funny how they don't care about me anymore.

Many people think I'm weak,
just so you know..I'm not, I'm so far from weak.
You see, if I were weak..I would have started smoking and doing drugs, just like my old friends,
If I were weak, I wouldn't be living. If I were weak I would have givin into all that peer pressure. I wouldn't be where I'm at today. If I were weak, I would be the kid walking by that skatepark asking for a smoke.
I'd be the girl, waking up in the morning and not wanting to do it again..but still, love that numb feeling you get out of it.
If I were weak..
But I'm not, call me weak..And i'll give you reasons why I am strong.

I'm Christian now, living my life for Christ.
I gave that life up, I found where I fit in..
I don't want to go back.
Some people think it's impossible to be drunk in the spirit, well..I tell you, it's soo possible.
Weirdest/BEST feeling ever. you don't even get the hangover.

Just a thought going through my mind.
Thought it would make me feel better if I wrote it down.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

She Wears A Mask.

And she walked around with that mask on her face, scared to take it off.
Scared they will rip her to shreds, It's not easy being different.
That judgement she harsh, she kept it.
Hiding in the back of her mind.
So the next time,

she could have a different face.
Pretending to be somebody she's not.
Just because, the judgements scared her..

I fear that if I take my mask off people wont like the real me..

No! take off that mask little girl, and show yourself to the world!
I made you who you are, be proud..Hold your head up while walking through that crowd.
Because from now on, I'm giving you the strength.

So take it or leave it, it's up to you.
But I promise you, life will be better if you put it to some use.